The following is an essay I wrote last year as a first attempt to explore how I would like to share insights and ideas that I have been developing while simultaneously learning to live more consciously as my authentic self. Since I am still sorting out what and how I want to be a content creator, I figured I'd share it here. Thanks for reading.

@George Kao @Winnie Sher 

August 9, 2022

Thirteen years ago on August 9, my beloved husband Chris passed away. Naturally, I have been thinking a lot about him over the past few days. I have gone through many thoughts, feelings, emotions, and perspectives about what this whole experience has meant for me and my life. For the most part I was able to accept and be at peace with this loss, because a cause of death was never found. I took this to mean that it was his time, that Chris had lived his purpose, and his time here was over. But I am still here, and I have wondered about why that is and what my purpose is for thirteen years. So I wanted to share my story, because I have learned a lot about myself. For years, I’ve believed that I wouldn’t be who I am and where I am if I hadn’t known him. And I wouldn’t be who I am and where I am if I hadn’t lost him. But I don’t think I completely understood what I meant by that until recently, despite the double negatives.

Several weeks ago, I heard a speech by the trauma researcher, Samira Rajabi. Before I go any further I want to clarify that I believe something I’ve heard from various sources about trauma. There is trauma with a small “t,” and Trauma with a big “T.” I am referring to the small “t” trauma, and do not want to minimize the greater “T” Trauma that others experience. For me, the most impactful thing Samira said was that “trauma unmakes our world.” So when we experience trauma, it unravels the threads of the story we’ve been telling ourselves about who we are and where we are going in our lives. This usually leads to pain. What we do with that pain affects our lives in profound ways, but there are ultimately two outcomes depending on how we deal with our pain. One leads to suffering and the other leads to healing. If we ignore the pain, try to distract ourselves from the pain, or let the pain control our lives, then we suffer. Pain definitely hurts and can be unbearable, but pain emerges as a way of letting us know where we need to place our focus. It is an indicator letting us know that something in our lives needs attention. That is why it is so important to examine that pain, the source of that pain. Wonder about it. Question it. Let it move through the body so in the midst of that processing and questioning the pain can be transformed.

Even after thirteen years, I still experience feelings of loss and wishing Chris were still here. There have been times when I have been told, “he may not be here, but he still lives in your heart because of the love you two shared.” Well, damn it that is not enough when I am missing him and cannot hold him or talk to him or see his beautiful smile, or hear his thoughts about movies and tv shows that we both love, that he would have loved (namely the MCU!!!). So, I will take this opportunity to use a scene from a Marvel/Disney+ show that gives some profound insight on grief.

WandaVision spoilers ahead!!! (If you care about such things)
Scene from episode 8, “Previously On....” Episode description: Wanda embarks on a troubling journey revisiting her past for insight into her present and future.

Vision: Wanda, I don’t presume to know what you’re feeling, but I would like to know. Should you wish to tell me. Should that bring some comfort to you.

Wanda: What makes you think talking about it will bring me comfort? The only thing that will bring me comfort is seeing him again.... Sorry. I’m so tired.... It’s just like this wave washing over me again and again. It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again. And I c... It’s just going to drown me.

Vision: No. No it won’t. Wanda: How do you know?

Vision: Well, because it can’t all be sorrow, can it? I’ve always been alone, so I don’t feel the lack. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve never experienced loss because I have never had a loved one to lose.

But, what is grief if not love persevering?

This last quote is one of my favorite quotes. Love is what helps you grieve. Grief is love surviving the loss. Focus on the love, and let the grief help you move through the pain and sorrow. If you focus only on the sorrow and what is missing, you will never remember the love that you still have. The love that still exists. And the only thing you are letting go is the sorrow and the pain. Love will still be there because love transcends time and space. Love perseveres.

I share this because I benefit from letting myself feel the pain. And as I write this it occurs to me that it is an act of self love to do this, because I am not meant to suffer. None of us are. The only way to alleviate suffering is to feel the pain and let it go. Once I feel it, I can grieve for the parts of myself that still need healing. By letting myself feel that pain fully and completely, by letting out all the emotions that come up with that pain, I am able to let it go. But I have to let it move through me and I must let it out. Doing so allows the love to come through so I am able to grow more fully into my authentic self.