Today is Christmas and I’ve struggled with whether to post this or not because it seemed too personal, too intimate to share with people other than the intended recipient. Plus talking about emotions, let alone sharing them rather publicly, is something very counter to the Asian culture I grew up in, but it's something I’ve slowly learned to do with help over my recent past. Below is what I wrote in a Christmas card to my mom this year.  She turns 93 in January and, to be honest, I don’t know how many more Christmases we’ll have with her.  In the end though, I decided that perhaps NOT openly sharing my expressions of love would be more of a mistake, so here’s what I wrote...

Dear Mom,

Merry Christmas. I have really warm memories of Christmas pasts, thanks to you and Dad. You made us feel safe, cared for, and supported.  There’s nothing more I could have wished for beyond that.  (oh, maybe that Barbie car I had wanted but never received lol!)

You & Dad, and the people of your generation, such as our Waverly Ave neighbors and church people, provided admirable living examples of how to treat other people with respect and grace.  And because of that, those qualities will always be within me, so thank you!!

I don’t know what the year 2023 will bring, but whatever I do (and by extension, [my husband and children]), please know that there will always be a part of you within us because we have been touched and affected by your unforgettable kindness, embracing of our own quirks/uniqueness, generosity, and graciousness.

You’re the best and I love you much  <3   Marlene

@Susan Tutt I haven't posted this to a blog yet. I'm still working on it. But here it is:

The more I work with teens, the more I see how important it is that they feel a sense of belonging and contribution. Having a structure at home that re-enforces that they are valuable members of a contributing community may help to reduce some of the household stress that comes up around homework and task management. 

This winter is an excellent time for a "reset" if as a parent you are frequently feeling tension with your teen around homework. While strategies are nuanced (of course ) depending on each situation and each parent's and teens values, learner profiles and family dynamics below are some strategies that you might try this winter:

Parent and teen sit down and have a frank and vulnerable share about values, goals and impact of behavior. Teens, what are your goals for yourself this next semester? What about beyond high school? College? How do you think you can meet your goals and how can your parents help you? Or, are you not sure what your goals are. In that case, what do you value? Going out with friends? Video games? Sports?How can your parents help you to reach your goals and honor your values while still ensuring that the tasks set out for you are getting done.

Parents: What is working about you and your teen's relationship? What's not working?  Can you share with your teen what is it that really triggers you when your teen does their homework in the way that they do it? Is it that you care about them and are worried for them? Is it that it stresses the household out? Teens, what does it trigger for you when your parents ask you about homework? Do you feel that they don't trust you? Do you feel that they aren't honoring your process? 

It's important that both teens and parents hear each other, as the next step is to decide a structure for the household that allows you as a teen to be successful, be independent, and also impact the household in a positive way. Also, what is working? This is important too so that parents and teens can work together to either build upon or tweak a system that's already in place.

Some questions that might be considered: Should homework be done in an open space rather than in a private room with a closed door? If as a teen you want to have your phone with you and prefer the private space with the door closed, what as a parent do you need to see in order for that to be successful? And if those expectations aren't being met, then is a consequence of that is that homework needs to be done in an open space and the phone needs to be taken away for a set amount of time? 

Teens, what is one open-ended question that your parent can ask you without getting an eye roll?

They could ask you to:

show an assignment that you've completed and that you are proud of.

show an assignment you've made progress on and have a question about, with a plan of how you're going to get that question answered.

At the beginning of the week (or maybe before you start homework):

they share with you two tasks they're going to get done tonight and maybe give them permission to see the progress on it as you go.

Parents: set boundaries and be clear with what these boundaries are.. When can your teen ask you for help? When does the computer/phone need to be turned off even if homework is not done yet?

Parents: What are your non-negotiables, parents? If your teen is really excited about a summer job opportunity and they don't fill out the application by the deadline, can you as a parent live with that?   If not, make it clear that they can do the fun thing that they really want to do after the application is complete. If you can let it go, even better. Even though it's painful to watch, natural consequences are sometimes the best lessons that can inspire change. 

It is so important that both teens and parents both accept themselves as they are and the process they are in; while it seems eye-rolling (believe me I know) when we can have compassion and be present for ourselves and each other these strategies go a lot further.