My daughter is in her first year of High School. She was in a very small, sweet school from Kindergarten though 8th grade and has now entered what we know as the real world. This has been a confronting experience so far and it's been very enlightening for me. I have been thinking a lot about fear. I am witnessing her stepping up to a new level and having to take on new responsibilities and to learn to juggle, to organize and to take tests. There were no tests in her previous school. There was no sense of external authority. Life was all about deeper connection, contemplation and working in groups. Big shift. 

I feel it is my deep responsibly to support her though this transition partially because I love her more than anything and also because I want her to connect to a deep internal authority that drives her to show up for all of the right reasons. She had a challenging situation come up last week and so desperately wanted to run away. I so know that feeling. She rose to the challenge and moved through it knowing that she is capable and strong. 

I am sharing this situation with my daughter because while on one of our many car rides we ended up having a conversation in a calm moment as we often do in the car that made me see myself more clearly too. I was talking to her about being present in the face of fear. When we feel fear we feel it in our body. Our nervous system responds and often we unconsciously react. I was talking to her about how in those moments when we feel those feelings it's so important to be still, breathe, feel the feelings and then show up for ourselves. I felt a wave of emotion because it hit me hard that I had checked out most of my younger life. I did show up to a certain degree but didn't truly feel my presence and power and certainly didn't reach my potential. I was sort of there but not there. It is my mission in my life now to show up. To bring myself fully in. To feel the fear and do it anyway and to support my daughter in doing the same. 

My car ride conversations with my daughter are a blessing to both of us. Those moments of presence and connection are so meaningful and heartfelt. They are so vulnerable and real. That's what lies beyond the fear...so much growth and love.

I often think of myself as a turtle. Slow and steady wins the race. I remember years ago when I set out on “being an artist for a living” journey, someone told me to always remember that it takes 20 years to be an overnight success. I have been chipping away very slowly claiming a bit more of what I really want until I get to the kernel of truth. So many people on the outside now want you to know what that is instantly and begin marketing it but that’s a bit challenging for me. I am reflective

and slow moving. I know one thing for certain though and that’s that I am an artist. I love to create. In my fantasy world I am sitting in my studio painting away in another realm but I know that art is also meant to share. I do that and I do what I can do in my own time. I am just honoring my process. I think this post is about process. We all see what appears to be the end result and not the years or hours upon hours it took to get there. The commitment to what inspires us and gives us life. I long to be in that space. A work in progress. 

This week, I felt very crushed by time and that there just wasn’t enough of it.  Everything I’ve been learning from TLC had gone out of the window.  Each day seemed to be over before it when it had barely started and I started to resent all the different commitments in my calendar (including this one!).  I felt as though the walls were closing in on me.

As I wrote the above paragraph, I realised that I feel this way because of the way I relate to time.  

Seeing time as limited is limiting me.  

I know that in the grander scheme of things, time is unlimited.  That feels too lofty right now.  

How do I loosen the crushing sensation and ground this realisation in this moment? 

My ego wants me to come up with a profound and impressive technique to impress the reader.  

My heart simply commands me to breathe.

And so I breathe.  Shallow breaths. Then deep breaths.  

My mind chatters away. Then starts to slow down.

I feel cool air coming in from an open window and hear the sound of wind outside.  

Space in each breath.

Space in between breaths.

Space in my thoughts.

Space in between thoughts.

Space in each commitment.

Space in between commitments.

S-P-A-C-E