When we set goals, we tend to set ‘doing’ goals- goals that to reach we must spend time doing various things in order to achieve it. So, our goals might be ‘write a book’ or ‘start exercising more.’  But what about ‘being’ goals? Such as to be joyful, be content, be peaceful, be calm. How often have you set these kinds of goals in your New Year’s resolutions? To reach these kinds of goals, we need to spend time in being which many of us don’t do very often. We tend to mainly reach these states in ‘doing’, but usually it’s because we are tapping into a sense of achievement that goes with being productive and we can only reach them by being productive which keeps us on that endless hamster wheel of doing and we become addicted to it in the same way we become addicted to alcohol, drugs and social media. We are using that state of busyness to escape all the uncomfortable feelings, emotions and thoughts in the same way people do with alcohol and drugs. 

For most of us, being in these states is dependent on external circumstances- achieving, feeling like everything is under control and going according to plan. This is just surface level of joy, peace and contentment. If accessing these states is dependent on external circumstances, it means we are at the mercy of our circumstances. If things are not going as we would like (which let’s face it happens a lot because we cannot control the world around us although don’t we so love to try), we can no longer access these states. You don’t need your external circumstances to be a certain way to feel joy, contentment and peace though. They are always available to tap into, whatever is going on in your life, but we need tap into them though being. This is why what is one of the bigger trauma’s I have experienced- losing the ability to walk when I was very sick and ending up almost completely disabled for years, I remember as being one of the most joyful times in my life. There was a lot of grief and sadness as well, but I surrendered more deeply than I ever have before, let go of all resistance to what is and spent so much time in being, that I felt so joyful, content and at peace. Of course I had already had a lot of practice at being so had already done the work so that I could do this. 

Are you able to do nothing- just be and access peace, contentment, and joy? I once spent 10 days in a Buddhist monastery on a meditation retreat In Thailand and we weren’t allowed to talk, read, or do anything but just be with ourselves apart from in the talks on Buddhism, the chanting and whatever chore we had been assigned. Most people left before the end because in being, everything uncomfortable and unpleasant they had spent their lives avoiding, surfaced and they couldn’t handle it.  For myself it was at the end of an 18-month trip backpacking where I had spent so much time being with myself and facing everything, that I found it easy to do and I had learnt to master my mind and stop and step off any trains of thought that would get in the way of these states.  I spent most of the 10 days in bliss, peace and joy. Although I did get headlice and dengue fever whilst there- part of not being able to talk to people at all and having nothing else to do leads you to make up stories who they might be or what they might have going on so the presence of my hair wrapped up in a towel all day must have elicited all sorts of wonderings about why- given we pretty much living in cells with no electricity or showers and sleeping on concrete beds with wooden pillows, it would have been unlikely I was giving my hair an intensive hair conditioning treatment. 

It’s in being where we practice the skills required to reach those states. Joy, peace, and contentment are there buried beneath the trauma, the mind angst, the uncomfortable feelings and emotions- in being we learn to remove the layers on top so those natural states can come to light again. So, if you feel like you’re not achieving anything by doing nothing, you are actually doing very deep work which results you might not see until several years down the line. Doing nothing is one of the most powerful and important practices there is, spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. 

@Susan Tutt

I have spent the last 2 months lost down a rabbit hole of illness after one or two nasty viruses (probably covid and then flu) gave me a nasty case of common antibiotics resistant pneumonia which was hiding from the usual tests so went untreated for weeks leaving me with severe asthma.  This is poor timing on my body’s behalf when the NHS is completely on its knees so my nerves are shot at the moment, it makes it a million times worse when there is no guarantee that you will be able to access the medical care you need. After a long stint of steroids and the right antibiotics and I have my beautiful clear and easy breathing lungs back. It has opened my eyes to what life is like for those with chronic, severe breathing problems and I am no stranger to health issues.

 My last year of university was plagued by issues with nausea and vomiting every time I ate something or if I didn’t eat enough after a nasty bout of food poisoning after eating 2 dodgy icecreams from the same outside freezer in Thailand (that’ll teach me to eat 2 ice creams in a row! Actually it didn’t). I have forgotten a lot of how awful that was but I do remember wishing desperately to be able to eat normally again and that once I could, it was the best thing ever which I quickly took for granted again. My 30s were spent with post viral issues- now known as Long covid when contracted after covid- and an undiagnosed health condition POTS, courtesy of dengue fever (which I also picked up from Thailand, this time I was being good though living as a monk in a buddhist monastery- Long dengue?) which left me at my worst completely disabled and hardly able to walk or be anything other than horizontal. Being upright even sat in a chair was like a form of torture. That went on for longer and have only got it back in the last couple of years (which was a helluva fight and I am very lucky I have because most people left undiagnosed as long as me never do get it back) and so I am still revelling in the sheer joy of being able to move my body as I desire through space and when at one point climbing the stairs was like climbing mount Everest for me. I’ve started learning to play tennis which is the first time I’ve been able to do a regular sport in over 10 years and it still feels like I’ve won the lottery,. 

 I had been feeling a little bit sorry for myself with all the asthma issues because I’ve also still got a slipped disc and a trapped nerve which I did in July (turning 40 is so great!) which I knocked back out again thanks to all the coughing although at least it didn’t come close to the pain I had in July and the 2 days high on codeine gave me some distraction from my asthma. But then I met with a group of friends and was quickly left feeling grateful for the health I do have. One has already had to battle cancer and recently had to have a hystercteomy and is due a masectomoy soon due to having a gene which causes cancer, and her sister who has breast cancer at the moment, is due an operation because they’ve lost her port in her body somewhere.  There is nothing like hearing the stories from other people who are struggling with worse to put things in perspective for you and to make you feel grateful for what you do have. 

 Which is what I am doing here.  If you can take a deep breath and fill your lungs fully with glorious oxygen you are blessed and that is something to celebrate every single day. If you can move your body at will through space whenever and wherever you want, you are one of the richest people on this earth. If you can eat and enjoy a delicious plate of food and it nourishes and sustains you and doesn’t leave you in pain or being sick, you are so fortunate. If you don’t spend most of your days in pain or have a health condition or cancer, you are so privileged. If you have the energy to live your days to the full as your heart desires, how lucky are you?

 And yet there you are, worrying about the small things, constantly striving for something you think you need to have in order to be happy which really in the grand scheme of things, do not matter. Thinking of what is missing in your life, what you are lacking, what gives you dissatisfaction because you don’t have enough and you need more. If you have your health, the world is your oyster and yet you have no idea what a treasure you hold. How you do the things with ease that someone else needs so much willpower and strength to accomplish. We take our health for granted until we lose it.  So celebrate all the things you do have, all the things you take for granted, because someone out there would give anything to have what you have, someone out there is fighting and suffering and struggling just to manage what you do without a second thought. Don’t let it be wasted on you by not appreciating it. Don’t wait until you lose your health and it’s too late to really honour and respect and rejoice in your beautiful, precious body and what it does for you. Every single day you wake up with your health is a joyous day, a day of limitless possibility, a day of freedom, a day of ease, a day of feeling well- a day where your soul and heart can do whatever they desire. 

@Susan Tutt

 Nagging is something I refuse to do. It’s draining and exhausting and incredibly frustrating to have to ask a family member to do something over and over and over again. In my case, it’s usually asking my kids to do the same thing over and over again, usually with regard to tidying up after themselves. When we are put in a position of having to nag, it’s usually because the person we are nagging is not taking enough responsibility for what is their responsibility to do. If this has no negative impact on us then we can ignore it and it’s the problem of that person, but when we suffer the negative consequences or want the best for that person, especially when it is our child, and we can see their choices are harming them or not in their best interests, we end up nagging. 

 Many of  women are put in the position where they have to constantly nag their husbands and partners just so they do their fair share around the house and with childcare with the result that a woman nagging is seen by our patriarchal society as a negative reflection of the woman- the word ‘nag’ is used to invalidate a woman, to devalue, to dismiss as hysterical and unreasonable. You just have to put nag into google and it comes up with endless articles about nagging wives and how they can learn to nag less and images showing a harassed looking man whilst a deranged looking woman lets loose on him like the one below. But a woman having to nag her man is actually a negative reflection of him- he is the one who is not taking responsibility for what he is actually responsible for.  If he doesn’t want to be nagged, then take responsibility, it really is that simple. It’s important that women do not allow themselves to be silenced and shamed when they are branded a nag by their partners because their nagging is not what is causing the problem, it’s his lack of taking responsibility. 

With children it can be harder because they are still learning to take responsibility (well so are men actually having been let off the hook for too long), but this is where, especially once they reach teenage years, we teach our kids to take responsibility for themselves. With both our partners and children, we can reduce the nagging through boundaries and consequences to those boundaries being crossed. So I have a boundary now with my 11 and 14 year old (after being driven to the point of insanity after repeating myself endlessly) that I will not ask them to do something more than twice. 

I have tried many different reward and consequence systems to try and enforce my boundary but the one I’m finding that is working the best, is having a pocket money app where their pocket money is tied to their responsibilities which they have to tick off at the end of the day. I have had to also add the threat of phone loss to get my eldest to comply with applying herself to it because the loss of her pocket money was not enough of a motivator for her. This has helped them get into the habit without me having to nag as they have to check off their responsibilities at the end of each day. (this is just things like put your shoes away in the rack, put your things in the dishwasher, put your washing in the f ing washing basket). After using this app for a few weeks, I am happy to announce that no nagging has been necessary and they are taking responsibility for tidying their sh*t up. 

 I also have taught my children to take responsibility for doing their own homework so I don’t ever have to get involved unless they need help. I have two contrary strong-willed daughters and I refuse to get into a battle of wills with them over homework (this is another boundary of mine) with me having to nag because I know they will want to do the opposite of what I have told them. And this has worked well because they both diligently do their homework and I never have to nag or check that it has been done. 

 How much nagging are you having to do with your children and partner? Do you need to put more boundaries in place? Are there any areas you can teach your children to take more responsibility so all the responsibility for everything doesn’t fall on your shoulders leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed? It is also important that we are teaching our sons to take responsibility for themselves in the same way we are our daughters so that they do as adults. Do you have the same expectations for your sons as you do for your daughters? 

@Susan Tutt

@Susan Tutt

As the nights draw in and we’re back on daylight saving time, we’re making our descent into darkness. For many of us, this is where SAD rears it’s head. We have various scientific explanations as to the cause of this from lower levels of light reaching the cornea, to lower levels of vitamin d. We try to fix it with our typical strategy of trying to escape the darkness by forcibly lighting it up- we have massive daylight lamps and sunrise clocks, all which do help. Anything to avoid the darkness which terrifies us from seeping into our bones. 

We are terrified by darkness in all its forms-  winter, night, difficult situations which happen in our lives, our shadow- all the things we push down and refuse to face. Our shadow tends to raise its head in darkness, another reason why we can feel worse over Autumn and Winter! 

But what if there is another way? A way which involves surrender to the darkness rather than resistance? A way which teaches you to welcome the darkness, to love it and find comfort in it. We mostly are able to appreciate a blanket of snow for how it changes our world- turning everything white, muffling the noise into a beautiful soothing silence- and we make the most of it, going out doing activities that we can’t usually like sledging, making snowmen and having snowball fights. We mostly are able to surrender to a snowy day and accept its presence and a different way of being in the world- we put our life on hold a bit and embrace the new world. That is unless it gets in the way of our hurtling through life, of getting things done, interrupting any plans we may have had and we have resistance to the great hamster wheel of life being brought to a halt. 

In a way, this is what we need to learn to do with darkness. To embrace it and make the most of the opportunities it affords us because although it might get in the way of everyday life or how we want life to be, darkness is holy and sacred and where alchemy happens and it holds as much magic as a snowy day. We need to learn to drape ourselves in that inky black blanket, which softens and smooths out any edges and muffles the noisy world that we live in, and snuggle in it.

Darkness and this time of year is like returning to the womb. Or the cocoon where the caterpillar transforms into the butterfly. Back to rest in darkness, grow and to transform, only to be born anew. It is coming back down to earth just like the leaves do when they fall from the trees, deep down into the soil, sinking down into your roots to nourish them.  This is a fertile time to plant your dream seeds for them to grow when the conditions are right, when the seasons of your life can support the growth of the seeds so they bear fruit later in the year. It’s coming back home to yourself, turning your focus inwards, turning your energy back towards yourself to conserve and renew your precious resources just like a bear hibernating in a cave. It’s a fallow time to rest and restore just like nature does over the winter months. Nature does not bloom all year long so why do we place that linear expectation on ourselves as cyclical beings? This is why many of us struggle because we have the expectation to be the same as we are in summer. 

Let the darkness find its way into your bones, let it seep into all your cells, drink it in like a thirsty nomad wandering the desert and you’ll grow eyes which can see in the dark. With these new seeing eyes, you’ll find a beautiful light in the empty darkness , which lights you up and fills and completes you, like the full moon in the night sky. 

And you’ll find you don’t need that SAD lamp anymore. 

@Susan Tutt