Because of the need to protect the privacy of the person concerned, I probably won’t publish this piece anywhere else so it means even more to share these insights here.

Last week I wrote about a peak experience I had when a dear friend abroad gave me a one-to-one journalling party as a belated birthday present. 

The party lasted an hour and resulted in a heightened, productive state all that day. I believe because of the power of natural alignment.

This week, life has provided a perfect illumination of the other side of the coin: what happens when you experience coercion (in the name of friendship) to do something that hurts your state of being.

You gotta love life and its soul training.

Most of my allies are geographically far from where I live and so the few friends I have locally (in a new to me area) are very precious to my heart and wellbeing. 

Of them, one is especially kind, for example she invited me into the bubble with her husband when I couldn't see anyone else during lockdown. (I live alone).

Only a few days after my peak friendship experience (mentioned above), I’m travelling in the car with the local friend. Let’s call her Bee. 

It’s recently been Bee’s birthday and I showed up with a card, a plant and a pile of gifts, joining her and hubby for a celebratory dinner out. 

Then she decided to throw a joint party with another woman of a close-by birthday and I got an email invite to the community hall.

I froze for a few days, wondering how to say no. The invite was my worst nightmare. For a sensitive introvert, mingling with people I don’t know, without structure or a role and in a community with a new bout of covid infections is as bad as it gets (human-contact-wise).

So me and Bee are in the car and she asks if she should take it I won’t be coming. 

I’m relieved I can finally address the invite and I offer, vulnerably: 

“I’m so glad you’ve asked. I didn’t know how to say this. I’m so sorry but I won’t come. The naked truth is that this kind of event registers as torture to my nervous system. Your hubby and other friend will be there so I trust you’ll have a lovely party all the same.”

To which I hear this reply: 

“I understand but it hurts my feelings that my best friend won’t be there. Surely you can come, only nice people will be there. Etc. etc.”

It was all I could do to change focus a fraction and leave soon after but I was in shock.

The next morning, I woke up with a mega sore throat and feeling like my physical body was weighing twice its normal weight. 

I was lucky because my regular emotional wellbeing group was on in the morning.  

Sore throat, according to Louise Hay, relates to holding in angry words and feeling unable to express the self.

I told my group witnesses that my reaction to what had happened didn’t bring up anger. Rather, it prompted despair in my inner alien.

That part of me just cannot understand how it’s possible for someone on this planet to declare themselves your best friend in one breath, and in the next to apply emotional coercion to get you to do what you’d just confessed would feel torturous.

Somewhere in me, this does not compute even though I CAN guess some of the needs behind my friend’s pushing.

After sharing my feelings in the safe group, my body felt tangibly lighter, I guess unburdened, and I was back to my normal weight. 

In the afternoon, I wrote a long, careful email to extend warmth to my friend, to deliver clarity that indeed I won’t be coming and to offer friendship in some alternative ways.

Would she feel cared for if I helped her cook for her party?

If I provided a cooked dish for her to take in?

Or maybe if I came and helped her put together a lovely outfit for it?

No, she wouldn’t, the reply came. And she is “upset that you can’t come” but “don't think any more about it.”

I needed to process my dismay again.

The silver lining

The merciful thing about the sensitive constitution is that, apart from being more affected by ugliness, we are also particularly awake to beauty.

So yes, I needed a second and third round of processing but I also got fresh, valuable insights from them. About my inner parts, about life and about friendship.

I saw that what was really hurting my friend was not my truth but her misunderstanding that feelings are caused by other people.

And I also found something else I could offer in friendship: a better vision FOR friendship. 

That in friendship, it is possible (and beautifully creative) to give without sacrificing oneself.

She may or may not welcome this, only the time will tell. But I found my way back to natural alignment (with what I’m about) and for that, I'm really grateful.

Dedicated: To anyone who has ever felt like an alien on this planet and to the Angels of all types who assist them in times of despair.

This week I have been exploring the important (and somewhat difficult and scary) topics of vulnerability and asking for help.

And the question that has been the center of my exploration is:

How can you allow yourself to be truly vulnerable by not trying to do it all on your own, and allow others to contribute their genius to help you reach your goals?

When I explore something, I like to combine head and heart. 

I like to understand the deeper mening of a word or a topic while I'm getting a direct, embodied experience with it.

So, I looked at what it means to be vulnerable, what it means to be authentic and even what the genius really refers to. 

This layed the ground for my mind to grasp it, and also helped in looking at how to practice some of these things.

And I will share some of my discoveries here:

The word vulnerable comes from the Latin word ‘vulnus’ and it means ‘to carry a wound gracefully’. 

We know physically, that wounds have to be open to light and air in order to heal. If they are not they will actually fester and get worse. 

So the first part in being vulnerable, is to carry our wounds gracefully, to open our wounds so they can be open to light and warmth and love, and so have a chance to heal.

The word authentic comes from the Greek ‘autentas’ and interestingly it means ‘the mark of the hands’. So, authentic means, what starts in the heart ends up in our hands! 

That we do what we say, as which we kind of understands as integrity. 

The hands and the heart are so connected; I learned this from a physician. 

When the fetus starts forming in the womb the first thing that forms is the heart.

And the next thing, the arm starts to grow out of the heart! They are actually called ‘armbuds’ and they look like little wingtips and then they grow fully. 

Then the third thing that forms is the tongue. 

This is why, when we are passionate, we talk with our hands. And this is also why a sign of a heart attack is that we feel a pain in our arms. 

So to be authentic is to take what starts in our heart and bring it into the world. And to be vulnerable is to stay open enough so what happens to us can heal.

So let’s look for a moment at the word genius. 

When we hear the word genius we often think of Mozart or others and yes, genius has come to mean a particular brilliance or a gift, but that is not what the word originally means. 

The word originally means ‘attended spirit’. 

Everyone has a genius – whether you call it ‘inner voice’, ‘atmin’, Dharma-nature, ‘the Holy Ghost’ or whatever you call it everyone has an ‘attended spirit’. 

William Blake, the prolific poet, said: Strait is the way to improvement, but crocked is the road to genius. Crocked is the way to our attended spirit.

So in this context, we have to be willing to take the risk to be open, the risk to be authentic, and to look and be humble enough to ask for help and offer help and let others contribute with their genius.

So, life breaks us open through which our attended spirit will join all that we keep hidden and by being vulnerable it will come out and heal the world. 

And we need to have what in the East they call a beginners mind. 

So to practice being vulnerable, we need to practice opening when we are closed. 

We need to practice listening over speaking. 

And we need to practice letting things in when we’re keeping things out.

In that way, the genius in our heart can flow freely and play with other genius' in co-creating what we long for the most.

(I noticed just now that only part of my story had made it through the copy and paste process. Sigh. Here's the Whole Enchilada!)

Recently a client asked about supporting a friend whom she described as a stress-bucket taking on the weight of the world. She had a brief, upcoming visit with her and wanted to give her the self-care tools to better manage her experience.

She asked me for any shamanic tips, breathing practices, etc, that she could share.

I sat with that for two days.

In those two days, I had my own experience where I was quite out of sorts (no joke, I was really off!) and in an activated, emotional place where previously I would have gone to the Land of Drama.

Instead, I visited the Cave of Contemplation. 

After about an hour of reflection there, I phoned a friend and told her the experience I had just had. I kept it as neutral as possible, but she knows me very well, and could read between the lines.

After I was done, she asked me a very important question: “Do you want me to offer any thoughts about what happened, or did you just need to tell me about this?”

After I took a few moments, I let her know that was a great question. We have a very good habit of asking this of each other.

This time, I realized I would get more wound up if I added her input. I was feeling sensitive and would likely negatively project my own self-judgment into her assessment.

So I told her that it would be better to talk later, when I was farther away from what happened and had more room inside to process. We talk regularly, so I knew we’d get back to it soon. It was quite the learning experience for me!

The situation helped me form my answer for my client who wanted to help her frazzled friend. I wrote:

I think it's beautiful how you want to be there for your friend. Here is what I would do:

Listen.

Yup. We go to our friends for a safe space to dump and be seen and held lovingling no matter how bad our ugly cry or vituperous rage.

Listen. Bring tissue. Maybe some Bach Flowers Rescue Remedy.

Offer kind, warm, slow hugs.

There is no quick fix for a stressful, out-of-balance lifestyle. A goodie bag is good for those whose love language is gifts (like yours!). I don't know if ritual items or sweets are a part of her self-comforting routine or not. You'll know better than I will!

A brief visit has time for listening. Her cup sounds over-full. Give her precious space and time to dump.

Be sure to clear yourself after! Y'all don't wanna take on her stuff. I clear myself all the time! And, I still get some of that vibe on me.

Be gentle. Listen. It's a rare gift we give each other (or ourselves!).

Big hugs to you and your very kind heart.

If you’re my partner, I dream of being each other’s soft place to land as well as each other’s rock in times of growth and change. I cherish you because you get me in a way that nobody else does.

I’m helping a newly self-employed therapist set up her home office and this week I heard her gasp with excitement, halfway through the project.

It’s not surprising. She’s juggling being an older, single parent, developing her client work and finding her way in a new house and neighbourhood. That’s a lot to handle and it was reflected in the state of her environment at the start of the project.

All floor and furniture surfaces were covered with piles of MIXED-purpose, jumbled up objects and papers.

Starting work tasks and tracking time-sensitive things was overwhelming because it required poking into the piles in search of relevant documents, never quite knowing which one. 

The room was hard to step into, because of an immediate wave of discouragement. 

After the first phase of the process: pre-sorting, we've picked up and sorted through all the papers and small objects. It went fast as at this stage there are no decisions to make at all and it was quite energising: working shoulder to shoulder, generating improvement with an ally.

There are now clearly labelled sections (boxes) for each distinct category of belongings: bills, bank statements, training materials, tax, mementos, photos, future gifts, etc. 

About 30 different categories but each with an easy-to-find,  well contained “home” on a bookshelf, rather than spilling on all surfaces in sight.

I know that the feeling of hope and possibility will increase even more in that office once we optimise what lives where and add beautifying touches. It's another level of grace in the space when you bring visual, personal reminders of what matters to your work and life. 

Of course my client's ability to work well with her clients (and creatively) will be higher in a space that cooperates with rather than fights what she needs and who she really is.

I came home and gave my own office a quick round of tiding and innovative touches. Out of wanting to create magic for myself too, not just for clients. ;-)

And, what do you know, I was suddenly able to start and complete a “stubborn” task that I couldn’t get around to all week.

Yes, to paraphrase Alain de Botton, we are rather inconveniently affected by the state of the spaces we inhabit. 

But given a little help, that phenomenon becomes an opportunity to inhale hope again and to liberate your flow. 

And the process itself is very satisfying with a good ally because with physical objects it's really obvious when you've made progress.

Now, where is YOUR home office at, I wonder?

If I offered compassionate, online handholding for reorganising a home office, would you prefer that as a concentrated project over a long weekend or more spread out, say as half a day per week for a month?

Let me know as it'll help me design my next offer. Early autumn is a superb time for decluttering and beautifying spaces and so for improving the impact they have on our everyday operations.

Here's a recent dance routine that I'm proud of for practicing this form of Gentleness:

https://youtube.com/shorts/...

I’ve been feeling within my being a shift coming for the last few months.  It is like a wind from another part of the globe which is making its way to my land.  As it arrives, it stirs up my inner landscape, breaking old tree limbs, and scattering the dry leaves from this year’s growth.  I also know that it brings news – small messages that will also fall like the leaves at my feet – first gently and then more strongly as the wind fully comes to inhabit my world.

As it fills my being, my emotions are stirred up and my mental world becomes reshaped.  I know that what is being pulled away is no longer needed.  As my inner space is opened, cleared and refreshed, I only need to remain still – observing and integrating the changes. 

And as the wind moves through me, it also opens me to new vistas – where I see the world anew.  Perhaps the ‘I that I believe I am’ is changing or evening departing… and in its place is a feeling of lightness - as open as the sky upon which the wind plays.

In last week’s post, I described a method for writing which involved getting into a meditative-like, open to receive, state of being.  Some people responded that they use something similar, and I really like the way it was succinctly described as “Don’t stop, Don’t edit, Don’t worry”  (thank you @Pam Sourelis !)  This week, I tried this same method for my post, including putting on instrumental/no-words music to keep the mind from interfering and getting in the way of the download. 

Of course, with this method, you don’t know ahead of time what content is going to come through.  However, a beginning question is important so that the call & response is activated and the results useful.  I was looking for something direct, so I wrote my beginning question as “What words for posting into Soul Gym want to come through me now?”  This time the flow of raw words took about 10 minutes and then stopped. 

I’ll share what came through in a moment.  However, I also want to note that during the review and slight editing process, I recognized that this content is probably less for the Soul Gym community (who are already aware of their connection to Source/The Universe/Spirit) and more for the church people who are my ideal clients.   

At any rate, the words that came through were:  We are here, have always been, and will be here always… all ways.  You are connected to the Earth so that you can serve as a connecting point between heaven and Earth – how else could we help, but through you?  And you have a very important role, if you so choose.  The important thing about this role is that you are an active participant -- not a passive consumer, not a passive observer.  We are in co-creation, which means exactly that – we are co-creating together.  In the past you may have thought that humans either acted alone or just with other humans.  This time in history is about consciousness/awareness (a reference article), so you are at choice about choosing to accept our help, perhaps even partnering with us frequently.  Again, this is a conscious choice. The connection is always there, you just might not know it (awareness) or you just might choose to be separate from it.  Remember that we love and support you and are here always… all ways.

I’m at the beginning stages of having a solid offer for my ideal clients, but am glad to know that I don’t have to fret too much about coming up with content for them because I can always utilize the “Don’t stop, Don’t edit, Don’t worry” method when needed! 

Posting my wednesday post on a friday....

So what happened? 

I had 2 content pieces that kept falling to pieces in front of the keyboard.....I noticed I was in a cycle of frustration - fitting writing into small chunks of time and cumulating more tension with each 'failed attempt' to land the piece. 

Then what?

Well, I had recently decided that I don't want to use quotes in my content. I rarely resonate with one liners and affirmations that feel like they gloss over the gritty multidimensionality of lived experience. 

But? 

What if I only used the quotes that I deeply love and feel are completely 100% true to my mission. 

yay! 

Breakthrough.....

Results.

1. This post https://www.instagram.com/p/CjHszVmOIil/

One of my favourite quotes from all time. It expresses my ongoing challenge to find the tap-root into my soulful purpose and also describes the highest aspect of how I help others. 

2. The other 2 content pieces will find their way into next week's post. 

A Glorious Sunday + Much Love & Joy to You All!

I am thrilled to be back in my space in Sussex Borough, NJ. As it is my first full week back, I am taking a luxurious week to fully be re-centered and grounded.

• I have declared Wednesday, September 21 as my New Year. Who says the New Year must start on January 1? I'm unconventional and I am ready for a fresh beginning so I am declaring it so. 
• Starting this week, I am changing my morning practices. I will do a Wake, Walk, Wonder session for the first hour of awakening followed by Meditation, Writing Practice and Yoga/Stretching before beginning my work day. I am grateful I am not forcing myself to rush into a structured work schedule because this way I can get the personal practices in place before I start building upon that foundation.
• WRITE: Work on my books, blogs and other written content. If I feel called and compelled I will create video.
• PLAN for the final quarter and VISION into January and Beyond.

I hope all of you are doing well. 

Yes, that’s me in the photos! 😁

I’m 41 years old and I’ve put on a lot of weight throughout three pregnancies. My youngest son is going to celebrate his fifth birthday soon and I’ve yet to lose much weight since I gave birth to him. Two years ago, I bought a cute crop top, thinking that it’ll motivate me into having a flat and toned belly if I kept up with the daily workouts.

I didn’t keep up with the 45-minute workouts. But I did continue to do the 6-minute warm-up routine in the Figure 8 Latin dance-based workout, and I fell in love with dance again. It’s been so much fun learning so many different dance genres using my STEEZY app and sharing my passion for dance in their global online community. I still didn’t lose much weight yet, but I grew to love my body more.

Yesterday morning, I lifted my T-shirt and admired my belly in front of my standing mirror. My belly is still not flat yet, but it’s becoming less flabby. I call that a win! My beautiful belly deserves to be seen and admired by the world! Woohoo!

On impulse, I took out my crop top, wore it, and filmed myself dancing to this super fun dance routine I just learned on the STEEZY app. I shared the video on my personal Facebook profile and received so many encouraging comments. It warms my heart that I’m now able to embrace my current body shape and be celebrated by my friends all over the world.

I didn’t challenge my limiting belief that only flat and toned bellies deserve to be seen in crop tops. But I was celebrating how my belly was less flabby by wearing the crop top. This limiting belief I’ve carried in me for so long is starting to lose its hold on me with my gentle action and celebration of my action.

This, to me, is gentleness in action.

I’d love to share my mini breakthrough with my Medium community, too. I believe that when more of us show up confidently in our various body shapes, we are forging a new path for a much more inclusive definition of what beauty means.

Here’s my little dance video. I hope it makes you smile!

Hope you'll enjoy reading the article on Medium.

https://youtube.com/shorts/...

https://medium.com/gentlene...

I don't know if this card means I'll be reflecting on what Tower-style change means to me and how I engage with it, or if something Tower this way comes - time will tell!

Update: Time told. 

I haven’t quite figured out ‘my way’ of creating content each week other than honoring my commitment to post something each Friday. (ok, sometimes it technically gets posted in the wee hours of Saturday morning, but I still like to count that as “Friday”).  This week I’m in a 3-day workshop event, leaving less free time for my writing.  I’m sure I’ll eventually find a way to get my writing out “on time", but today I feel under pressure to “get something out there”.  This doesn’t feel like a helpful energy to create content from, however, no ideas are coming to me, and this is the headspace I’m currently in now.

Because I’m unable to shift my head energy at this time and because I feel like I can’t access any creative juices (aka writer’s block?), I’m going to turn to the next best thing. 

During today’s workshop, we went through a writing experience that actually felt pretty amazing while doing it.  I won't be posting the content of what I wrote then, because that’s not really the point here.  Instead, I’ll talk about the process we used.  I don’t have a lot of experience with writing, other than the papers and reports I had to do in school.  So I don’t know if this process is the same or different from what most professional writers use.  However, I find what we did both fascinating and different than the usual writing processes I’ve used in the past.

We all wrote down the same beginning question.  Then, the process was more like a present-moment meditation (clearing the mind), being open and in a receptive state, and then writing down, as fast as we can without stopping, the downloaded information we receive, as quickly as possible.  We are instructed to not think while we’re writing -- just write down what comes through, like taking dictation.  I remember the first few times I tried using this method to write (same instructor) and how tricky it was to get the hang of it.  My mind would interfere every once in a while with thoughts like “wow this is weird” or “I can’t believe this works”.  And sometimes I felt like I was “trying” to push the words out.  Each time my monkey mind interfered, the free-flowing connection would break and I wrote tildes (~~~) until my mind returned to the "correct" state and the download/information started flowing again.

To characterize the workshop’s writing process, I’d say the words written down weren’t sourced from my own mind, but rather came through me and then onto the paper.  If you’ve ever read “Conversations with God” from Neale Donald Walsch, how we wrote reminds me of the way Neale has explained getting the content for his series of books.  In New Age speak, the process doesn’t feel “heady” or labored. 

I don’t know if the future content I write will always utilize the writing method we used in today’s workshop, but because its feeling is less heady/labored and more ease/flow-y, it certainly falls into the preferred category and worth considering each week!        

I often think of myself as a turtle. Slow and steady wins the race. I remember years ago when I set out on “being an artist for a living” journey, someone told me to always remember that it takes 20 years to be an overnight success. I have been chipping away very slowly claiming a bit more of what I really want until I get to the kernel of truth. So many people on the outside now want you to know what that is instantly and begin marketing it but that’s a bit challenging for me. I am reflective

and slow moving. I know one thing for certain though and that’s that I am an artist. I love to create. In my fantasy world I am sitting in my studio painting away in another realm but I know that art is also meant to share. I do that and I do what I can do in my own time. I am just honoring my process. I think this post is about process. We all see what appears to be the end result and not the years or hours upon hours it took to get there. The commitment to what inspires us and gives us life. I long to be in that space. A work in progress. 

(This is a work in progress. I'm thinking of sharing it with my audience who seem to love it when I share my own "shadow stories.")

Recently I had the opportunity to be a guest for a new podcast in development, Mindful Politics.

My Authentic Marketing and Joyful Productivity Coach, George Kao, is the creator and host of this concept: create a space and format where people can open-heartedly discuss the admitedly land-mine ridden topics of and territory of political issues.

My first reaction - oh, yes, this is a wonderful idea. I’m in. I’ll ask my social issues and politically astute friends for their advice, do some research, go deeper into this arena.

A few days later - oh, no, I am woefully unqualified. I have a PhD in Foot-In-Mouth-ology. And I don’t know the current terms, philosophical stances, can’t remember statistics and sources, and I am lousy at debate. In fact, I am highly skilled in conflict avoidance.

And then - wait, people like me, who care but don’t know how to express it without offending someone, starting a hate thread, or even getting canceled, we need to speak. There are more of us than those who comfortably take their righteous positions and spew judgment and hate at others. If more of us took action instead of sat back and wished it was over…

So I doubled down on my yes and did the thing.

And, I had a great time, even though I was nervous (we all confessed our nervousness) and still felt way under-educated or well spoken. The hour flew by, and we really hadn’t gotten past the Why of doing this podcast. And I think that topic alone is worth several episodes! I love how we all had a different way of expressing the same conclusion as to why this particular way of discussing politics was NOT happening. That alone was reassuring since we three come from such diverse backgrounds and training.

Anyway, I found this dead feeling inside after we finished. I’m used to the post-event buzz I usually experience (I facilitate in person and online group events and courses). But, something was off. All day. Off.

In talking with a dear soul sister, I was reminded of the experience of “vulnerability hangover.” I consider this condition the kissing cousin of disclosure reaction. In both instances, you’ve revealed something that exceeds your “safe” zone, and there’s a post-reveal penalty to pay.

It’s safe to talk about “socially acceptable” experiences and non-provocative topics. It’s risky to reveal life details that could render me “less than” to other people. As I spoke I was in truth, un-filtered, in a forum unlike my usual clients and students who I know are “safe.” What the hell did I just do?

In the background, subconsciously, my ego was busy protecting me. “Now, here’s what happens when you expose yourself. Don’t do this again!” by reminding me of various failings and releasing shame bubbles, but in an emotional language I hadn’t experienced in some time. My conscious real-time mood was sad with no particular reason.

My wise friend’s words reminded me of the natural sequence of events for some of us as we stretch beyond our usual comfort zones.

When we’ve been through trauma or repeated abuse, neglect, subjugation, you name it, we naturally develop strategies to protect ourselves. And we don’t “know” we do this, it’s a psychological process. We deny, rationalize, dissociate, compensate, or overachieve and power through, the “I’m over it” attitude. And, no matter how much work we’ve done on something, sometimes the scar tissue throbs. Especially when we dip into painful areas.

Once I heard her words, I still had to give myself overnight for the energetic shift. My whole being needed that time to assimilate my reveal experience and update my bravery self-rating. Then 12 hours later, I had that spiritual turnaround. I was ready for the likely fall-out. It’s ok if I made an ass of myself if somehow I reached another person who felt too timid or unqualified to participate in the rough discourse of the political conversation, and now, maybe, they may speak up and share their thoughts.

In my shamanic world, we seek to help the collective achieve a higher state of consciousness and compassion one heart and soul at a time. And we include ourselves in that continued vision of healing, reconnecting, and sharing.

Thank you for listening. This is my first post to Soul Gym. I appreciate your comments and ideas. 

Namaste ~ Mara